i have learned that the answer to most prayers isnt yes. or at least it seems that way. and knowing this, and knowing that i know it, makes me older, or at least, it feels that way. and i wonder if i should have been sleeping instead of searching, if i should have drunk sweet instead of tastless or bitter. as for now, it seems that way. and i wonder, a lot now, why i am waiting for a breakthrough, if the gates have been walled up. and why, if it is going to come, i am throwing myself at an obstacle i could never surpass on my own. because im fighting this battle on my own. or, or at least, it seems that way.