after watching Amadeus last night, the wrenching in my bones has only proved stronger, fiercer. mozart could do it, bach could do it, haydn, wagner, brahms, gould. kristin. they could hear the music in their head. but they could also bring it into play. i cannot.

in this small and sad repertoire, i have only my voice, my fingers on keys and on frets and strings, occasionally on sticks, my hands compressing air and buttons and tinier keys... no bow. no strings. no winds. no brass. no boom of a timpani; no liquid note of clarinet nor the small luxury of 4 part harmony and 40 voices to sing it. just me.

but i still hear the music. echoing and bouncing inside my head. sometimes causing me sleeplessness until i tap out the rhythm with my quiet hum and fluttering hands to indicate the parts i cannot do without full choir and orchestra. looking at the underside of my roommate's bunk, i conduct a perfect orchestra, a perfect chorral.

the basses come in.. slowly, then joined by the tenors, it rolls and picks up speed, doesnt slow for the second sopranos, rising and falling with the clarinet, with arpeggio violin, basso continuo.. now moving like a black river. high...!! stop.. flute starts a note, first sopranos join two measures, double cannonan- two point immitation three flutes and 9 1st sopranos.. fortissimo to mezzo forte, mezzo forte to piano, pianissimo rising in a single note, violins join flutes, ascending scale in thirds with the voices. fortissimo again! measure 1 the 2nd sopranoes come in, sighs in harmony, 1st and third beat. bring in tenors, fifths... sighs with 2nd sopranos. bring in basses, exact melody with 1st sopranoes... break to a basso continue.. (bass orchestral movements up down up up up down up down down down) sighs with the others... it goes and goes and goes on, until i tire, and try to quiet the music.

and as i sleep, my dreams are accompanied by the sweetest soundtrack i will never remember after the first few minutes of waking up, and am glad that i do not, for they only illustrate my incapabilities.