2002-11-19......2:35 a.m.......
falls claim of summer corpses

i already miss the summer. it's so cold already. things are dead and dying everywhere. every morning i wake up, i have to walk to class ankle deep in wasted lifeless brown.

i saw two young kids rolling around in a big pile of oak leaves the other day. screaming and collapsing in giggles as they fell into it. i remember when i stopped jumping in leaf piles. it was when i was around 10, my dad had raked us a huge pile of poplar leaves in the back yard. i took a big jump. i got up, covered with dog shit. i had failed to think about the consequences of having two large dogs in the same backyard. i never did it again. even in places without dogs.

but this is what i am learning. you cant seperate yourself from the shit in life. it's there and it's going to be there, even if you are careful. something will break in, something will happen, and you will always end up with it. and for a long time i have been afraid to jump. to forget about the problems and worries like i once forgot about the dog shit in the leaves. i am slowly learning, or at least i am trying to.

i think that's why everyone misses their 'younger days', not only because of the dizziness of retrospect, but because of the lack of experience, bad experience. and i am no different. because of bad experiences, i hesitate to move again. conditioning has worked, and it's the hard realization that conditions can change that i am working on now. i am working on looking past the bad and seeing the joy of abandon. because i still, no matter where i am, cant bring myself to jump in a pile of leaves.


...and all sing in harmony, i am ok...

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