this is strange. it's saturday night, before midnight, and i am at home, where i have been since i got out of work, in my pyjamas (a more recent developement). usually i would be out until the wee hours, or at least partying with my roommates in some way, but, i am hanging out with my dog and my computer, ending my spring break on a less frenzied note than i started it. i wish i had brought my cuban cigars home, now would be a good time to recline my chair and smoke one up. it's just that kind of a relaxing night.

being home this week has made room for reflection, and retrospect. life has been dealing me blows for the past two years at a frenzied pace, and i have been swinging back with just as much desperation, but only catching air. i have come to wonder more and more, what if i stop? what if i relax my rigid pull against the things that the years bring me, would it be that bad? what if what happens is better than what i try to make happen?

then again, what if it is worse? what if the only way i can be happy is to keep pulling and to keep straining, though it may break me in half? these are the things that nag at all of us, like little flies sucking the life out in little teeny drops, but sucking it out in any case. i guess i am realizing more and more, it's not always the big tragedies that kill us, but more often it's the little ones that drain us dry.