well, i look at all these great ads everyone has for their diary- and i think 'cool, i wish i had one too!'. but i cant make myself cough up the more than worth it small change to upgrade... because i am afraid of commitment. i am afraid i wont stick with it long enough to do it all justice anyway, and i will be stuck with a bunch of wiggling loose ends.

well, i look at myself and all these great things in my life, and i wonder how many of them i have missed because of a similar extending fear.

and after thus looking back so often, i have finally decided to look forward. it wasnt today or yesterday or even the day before that i made this change, but it more or less grew on me-- because *you* showed me that things really could go green again. *you* showed me that all of life isnt immediate disappointment and thorns. and maybe it all is in the long run, but damn that worry to hell where it belongs. i wont be a slave to that fear anymore. *you* made me smile when i just wanted to drown in my own misery, and *you* brought back parts of me that i thought were surely killed in that last blast. *you*, in a way, saved me from my shutting the windows that let in the spring. and i cant thank *you* enough for not letting me rot in the dark like i alwas wanted to do- or, at least, so i thought.