2003-05-07......9:42 a.m.......
four dreams. pt. 1

a preface: after having a few dreams that came along the same theme, i decided to write them down. there isnt much added or removed from any of them. they are just stories about four dreams.

four dreams. pt. 1

the sun glowed slowly down on a typical august night over the oversized pond we all affectionately called "the lake". the ducks had settled down into their usual hiding places and the water was still except for a quiet movement of soft breeze ripples, wrinkling gently. the same breeze tugged on early 90's restoration gauzy curtains that lay in classic and tumbled heaps and waves around the sliding door to our little balcony causing them to billow and wave. all nice and movie. just me and the curtains, the yellow light of the lamps in the living room behind me, and the dying orange of the sun in front.

well, i stood there with tea in hand, earl grey by the smell, despite the summer heat. i waited. i knew you were coming... you owed me a book (in the very least). it was past due three months. those three months you had been gone and i had been on the balcony. i had wished you a good trip, but mostly i had wished you would have stayed. but you wouldnt be caught dead or dying in this towne anymore. there are better things and prettier girls over the state line.

but, you came back, maybe for the last time, and you, being fashionably considerate, were coming here. you and i, no attachment, at least to eachother. the only thing between us, a paperback, and tonight that would end too. well, no big change. we had been disconnected for years. we felt nothing, no memory felt sweet and no absence felt cold. or so we said. so you said. and what could i do but believe it. it was either the truth or a fantastic play. and with a loud knock and a presumptuous creaking of hinges, you came onstage.

despite my rehearsals that evening, i froze and forgot how to speak words.
"heloooo-oo" you called out to me in my green chair.
"hi" i said without turning.
"hey, what's up?" you said as you tapped me on the back with c.s. lewis.
i turned around to face you (thank angels i wasnt standing because i felt you in my knees)and almost turned to water, but smiled casually and gracefully as could be done. i hoped you hadnt noticed my split-second weakness. and i am sure you hoped i hadnt noticed yours. in the dim light, i tried to read your face, but you looked awayy quickly to hide any trace of real human emotion. i wondered if you had become real again, if you were tired of acting.

we went through the little small talk is appropriate for all old friends and lovers. she was doing well, i said the same for him. all eyes stayed towards the lake. a minute of uncomfortable silence slithered by until you cut in with,
"kristin, can we just sit."

those green plastic chairs had never been as far apart as those seven or so inches. neither of us said any words, though i saw and felt a few jaw jumps on both sides. the whole world hurt and waited for something. the stumpy willows sighed and the wind hummed minor. we just sat... years and ages went by in every second so quickly i thought i might die of old age before you spoke. but you said nothing. you just moved your hand ever so slowly and cautiously to the armrest of my chair. i followed suit. neither of us taking eyes off the blackening lake, but unperceptably reveling in this small rapture.

hearts pounded and threatened to fail, lips moved silently a thousand times. my throat stretched to find a voice. you knew, you saw me trying.
"dont say it, please, dont."
but my lips were still fumbling out of any control.
"please" you whispered
but i said it. i croaked the words out with all the air in my body. you looked like you had been shot in the chest. the word, "still" rang out as the report. again, i said it, again you fell back.
"No,no, it breaks my heart to hear it." you almost screamed.
standing i shouted to try to make you hear, "can it be any more than my heart is breaking now?".

click here for pts. 1, 2, 3 & 4part onepart twopart three part four


...and all sing in harmony, i am ok...

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